WITTY JOKES

Two men lived next door to each other for over 20 years but
they couldn’t have been more different. Sam was a model
citizen, church every Sunday, a parish counsellor and a
charity worker. Geoff was a drinker, gambler and a man for
the ladies. Eventually Geoff died, he was quite young but
the riotous life did him no favours. Then 15 years later, Sam
passed away and arrived in heaven where he was astonished
to see his ex-next-door neighbour lounging on a cloud, a
huge barrel of beer next to him and a naked lady sitting on
his lap.
“Why, that’s outrageous!” exclaimed Sam. ‘I strive to be a
good citizen on earth so that I might enjoy the fruits of
heaven and when I get here I see Geoff. He should have
been in hell.”
“Oh he’s in hell alright,” said the angel, “That beer barrel’s
got a hole in it…and the woman hasn’t.”

*******************

Dawn’s husband had just been cremated, the mourners had
gone home and she was left holding his ashes. She said to
the ashes, “Well, Dave, I’ve got a few things to say to you.
See this fancy ring on my finger, the one I always wanted
and the one you would never buy me? Well, I’ve bought it.
And you see this flashy leather handbag with matching
shoes? You always promised, but never got round to it. Well,
I’ve bought them too. She then tipped his ashes onto the
ground and blew on them, saying scornfully, “So there you
are, Dave, that’s the blow job you always wanted and never
got.”
********************

On the day of Jack’s funeral, the undertakers took his coffin
up to the church in a coach and four black horses. Now the
church was at the top of a steep hill and suddenly, without
warning, the doors of the coach flew open and the coffin
careered back down the hill. By the time it reached the
bottom, it was going a fair pace and smashed through the
doors of the chemist shop, hitting the counter and bursting
open.
“Aaargh,” screamed the assistant as Jack sat up and said,
“Can you give me something to stop me coughing?”